Why on earth do blowflies breed like blowflies? Surely this has to be the million-dollar question for summer 2017? My venomous hatred for blowflies is only surpassed by snails and slugs, and you should see my efforts to eradicate them! I mean, for goodness sake it, baffles me why our creator would allow all the ugly annoying insects to multiply like rabbits. Yet the insects we love to see around, like lady bugs, are as rare as white dolphins. My big old house is being consumed by these infuriating, dirty little buggers at the moment. Maybe the wet winter and warm spring gave these guys a passport to double their breeding capacity because I have never seen anything like it. Eliminating this enemy from my house has turned into a mini obsession and art form. As a proud home baker, these guys need to be made aware that they are not invited for dinner.
I have a very large arsenal of insect sprays, mainly because (would you believe) I have a grand total of 29 doors and windows that open to the outside in my house and only four fly screens. This leaves me with the unenviable task of either choosing which opening I can get a breeze from in summer or single-handedly destroying the ozone layer with Mortein. I just simply refuse to hang out with blowflies! You should see me at night in the bedroom trying to sleep when one is “dive bombing” into the windows. I’m like a complete nutter.
Lights go on, and I just start chasing and swinging any object I can find to kill it. Of course, I am hoping to one day curb this blowfly obsession by obtaining a whole heap more fly screens. However, the wool price will have to take a sharp upward turn for that to happen.
For now, my summer groceries include icy poles, watermelon, cordial and, above all, fly spray.
Anyway, enough of such annoyances. It’s Christmas and by the time this column goes to press I will be on a deserted beach on Santo Island, sucking back Piña Coladas whilst floating on a blow-up floatie in the shape of a cherry, gazing at the sunset through cherry-shaped sunglasses just for fun (and I ain’t kidding). Christmas Day will be spent with our island friends. No doubt the men will spend the morning diving for lobster and crabs and spearing fresh fish. I will be cooking some prime new season lamb that I successfully smuggled in and whipping up a pavlova with the tiny electric beaters that I packed. There is no lamb on the island so this will be their first taste, and they are so very excited. All the food will be cooked on coals right on the beach and, yes, I will be packing a few fly nets just in case you were wondering. The day will be a glorious mix of swimming, eating, drinking and blobbing until dusk when I will most likely get my “boogie moves” on whilst watching the sun disappear across the ocean.
For now though, I would like to take the opportunity to wish all my readers a loving and safe festive season. No doubt I will be back in the New Year with something trivial to tell that will either annoy or amuse you. So it’s “Roger and out” from me for 2017, and, by the looks of this empty can, those bloody blowflies as well!