Homebuilders – The magic of acceptance

There is a term known in counselling as ‘unconditional positive regard’. This was coined by psychologist Carl Rogers and it essentially means to accept a person exactly as they are. This is something that we could all probably do with experiencing in our daily lives more often. Imagine being accepted for exactly who you are and how you feel by the people close to you, and even by yourself. We live in a world of ‘shoulds’, of marketing pressures, of competition and constant pressure to be something or someone other than exactly who we are right now. Unconditional positive regard is the opposite of this kind of pressure. It is kind and generous. It allows you to relax and trust yourself. It does not add to your load of shame and doubt. It is accepting.

Acceptance is like a magic wand in building great relationships with our children and, for that matter, with all the special people in our lives. It is one of the key tools I use in the play therapy room. Unconditional positive regard involves simply accepting a child or young person for exactly who they are in this moment. What this does is let them know that who they are right now is perfectly okay. If they are angry, low, bossy, loud, shy, withdrawn or frustrated that is okay. I understand that they are like this right now, in this moment, because they are trying to protect or soothe themselves.

If I accept them and their feelings, then I am not putting any pressure on them. They get to know that they are always lovable and worthy, regardless of how they are being. In my experience, children often become what we think of them. If through acceptance they get the message that they are okay and they are lovable, then you are likely to get more of this type of behaviour.

Of course, this must be genuine acceptance. Any suggestion of manipulation or coercion leads to mistrust. This may leave a child feeling anxious, wary and unworthy, and likely to act out on these uncomfortable feelings. Acceptance does not mean you don’t have clear boundaries for your child. It does mean that you maintain these boundaries with empathy and you acknowledge your child’s difficulty in dealing with these limits.

Being unconditional with your child can also mean ensuring consequences are specific and brief. It also means that withdrawing those things that make us feel close should not be used as consequences. So, the bedtime story and snuggle happens, regardless of how off track things have been during the day. Acceptance is key to allowing change to unfold for all people. It gives us a moment to truly be where and who we are. A solid place to step forward from.

Liz Cole, Homebuilders family support worker
www.homebuildersfs.org