Country Living – Maddening birds

The Christmas grinches arrived early at my house this year. Yes, unfortunately my festive season was partially marred by a pack of feathered gate-crashing freeloaders, hellbent on bombarding my life with their overactive ovaries and slobbish-like tendencies. These birds took up residency in November and systematically set out to destroy my tranquillity and any existing rational thinking. Of course, I am not talking about a couple of brightly coloured love birds here, chirping out sweet nothings while lovingly gazing into the eyes of their offspring. I’m actually talking about dozens of home invading bitter and twisted swallows, who have decided to move in, rent free, to the gutters and rafters on my front porch and carport and make my life hell. By “hell” I mean the decibel levels of their constant chirping, scratching on the tin roof and the constant barrage of bird poo that’s decorating everything in their flight path. The water blaster has migrated from the shed to the deck permanently, and I dare not entertain outside unless I can find dinner guests happy to include bird poo in their list of preferred condiments. Don’t even get me started on the garage and my beautiful new car. People seem to have a certain amount of empathy for a car covered in mud and dust but park your car on Ponsonby Road covered in bird excrement and you’re just a dirty bugger. My unfortunate situation has consumed me. None of the birds’ behaviour makes any sense to me. Therefore, I conclude that it is the birds that are crazy and not me. Go with me here. Firstly, my house has four sides, three of which they could choose to nest along and it would have no great impact on my wellbeing. But nope, their game plan is far more sinister. They choose to nest at the front, which is the only side of the house I inhabit. Then there is the relentless pursuit of calories for their chicks; no such thing as four hourly feeds. Of course, that would be too easy. Instead, they choose to fly all day back and forth dropping their “loads” on my furniture and deck. What mother of sound mind would want to have this sort of feeding routine? Why on earth don’t these birds set-up camp where the food source is? Surely it’s more appealing to sit in a tree? Very strange birds indeed. So, with my life morphing into a scene out of that Alfred Hitchcock movie The Birds, I made a post on Facebook hoping for some easy solutions to my problem, but along with the solutions came another set of problems. Some of these solutions entailed crawling over my roof painting sticky stuff, stringing up fishing wire and hooks, and all manner of other nightmarish ideas that were just way out of my skill set, and so weren’t happening. I did, however, embarrassingly put a plastic owl out on the deck until I realised that it was a stupid idea.

The funniest part of this bird story is my own ridiculous, illogical thinking. For some strange reason I just presumed that if I implemented any of the above, the birds would politely pack up their belongings, grab their eggs and move to a new house. Much the same way a property manager serves an eviction notice. Seemed fair and logical at the time. Oh well, I never professed to be a bird behavioural expert now did I? It also dawned on me that if I implemented any of these measures and they left without taking their eggs, what would this make me? Perhaps something along the lines of a ‘desperate irrational-thinking housewife with a part time vocation as a baby bird serial killer’.

So the birds stay. In the meantime, I am off for a few weeks taking my children on a backpacking adventure through Myanmar (Burma) before the “gold kaftan” set move in. Finally before I sign off for the year, I would like to wish my readers all the best for the festive and holiday season and leave you with a couple of thoughts. Firstly, follow through with that urge to triple the sherry content of the fruit pudding. I promise it will provide much-needed relief when trying to cope with that one annoying relative. Secondly, I hear they are about to pass legislation that will render dieting illegal during the months of December and January, so do try your best to be a law-abiding citizens. Stay safe and
be kind.

Julie Cotton
admin@oceanique.co.nz