When you announce you are pregnant, suddenly people – family, friends, even random strangers – start to share their birth stories and offer solutions to issues you may or may not be experiencing. And so begins parenthood, whereby others somehow feel that they can have an opinion about your life and share that opinion with you. It helps to understand that generally people offering advice and opinions usually have the best intentions, as particular strategies may have worked for them, or they may just need affirmation for how they parented their baby by trying to convince you to do it the same way. As a new parent, you get to decide who to listen to. I suggest choosing people who help you to feel more confident and less judged. With any unwanted advice, just let it be water off a duck’s back.
My mother’s babies were born at a time when there was a lot of pressure on mothers to only feed their babies to a strict schedule and, to ‘build character’, it was even suggested mothers avoid cuddling their babies. When the nurse visited to see how Mum was doing with the schedule, she reported that she and baby were managing it very well. However, in reality she was demand feeding us and we were well cuddled by both our parents and siblings … water off a duck’s back.
If you feel distressed by trying to do something, like controlled crying, then perhaps it is your instincts letting you know that this is not beneficial to your baby. Our babies’ cries are designed to distress us so that we are alerted to their needs and are then able to meet them. Without this mechanism, they would not survive. Research shows that when babies’ needs are met, they develop a sense of security in the world, trust in others and in themselves. This makes them more confident. Secure babies grow into children who learn well, can manage their feelings and are generally happy. You cannot spoil a baby. Your attention lights up their brains. They need your eye contact more than they need activities.
The experience of becoming a parent is different for each of us and there can be some really big challenges that make it more difficult for some. Things like postnatal depression, financial worries, having a colicky baby, being in a difficult or violent relationship – all these can really impact on our ability to manage and enjoy the experience. And even without these extra challenges, the reality is that parenting can be hard work, overwhelming and often isolating. However, there are many resources in the community – your midwife, the Women’s Centre, Plunket, Maternal Mental Health Services, Women’s Refuge, your doctor, neighbours, friends and family. Homebuilders Family Services is also here to support you, or to help you find the support you need.
Homebuilders - Family support worker
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