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Separating from a partner is a stressful process. When there are children involved it’s understandable that things can be even harder. Juggling the process of working through your own feelings of hurt while trying to find a way to go forward separately, but still both be parents is often difficult.
It can be hard to do, but it is essential to separate your personal feeling towards your ex-partner from the process of co-parenting. It is very common for children to blame themselves for their parents’ separation. It can be traumatic and deeply disturbing for children when they are expected to choose sides, be messengers between parents, or they overhear the grisly details of their other parent’s behaviour. Children need to be able to love and respect both their parents to feel good about themselves.
There is a lot of excellent support available locally and online to help this transition go as smoothly as possible.
There is an excellent course called Parenting Through Separation. This short course is only a couple of hours long, but provides lots of practical advice to help you understand and manage the needs of your children after separation. Parents and/or guardians attend separate courses, so that everyone has space to freely express themselves without the other person being there.
To find out about when the course is run locally, contact Barnardo’s on 09 925 3600 or email ptsauckland@barnardos.org.nz
The Ministry of Justice also has an excellent website full of useful resources and information, including how to talk with your children about the separation, and ways to resolve disagreements.
Homebuilders Family Services can provide free assistance to families separating through our Family Support service. This can include facilitating parents to develop a parenting plan. A parenting plan is a short, written agreement between yourself and your ex-partner regarding the care and living arrangements for your children. The Ministry of Justice also has a great workbook that people can use to guide them through this process.
Visit: www.justice.govt.nz/assets/Documents/Publications/MOJ0504-Making-a-parenting-plan-workbook-JUN19.pdf
A parenting plan works well when both parents can respectfully work together to decide what’s best for their children. However, if there are issues around the use of power and control in the relationship, or a different value base, it is probably not the best option.
Going through a separation is understandably an emotionally charged time. If at any point you are worried about your, or your children’s immediate safety, call the Police on 111. If you think there is the potential for things to get violent or abusive, talking with the local group Hestia Women’s Refuge (0800 321 361) would be a good idea. The key message is that children adjust best to new family living situations if they feel supported by both parents, and they don’t feel caught in the middle.
Homebuilders - Coordinator
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