Having tough conversations

*Emily remembers the day her uncle died well. 

“He was a keen sailor but as he had had a heart attack he wasn’t meant to sail on his own. However, it seems nothing could stop him. He was competing in the Sunday races, when suddenly his boat veered off sideways. By the time the race officials got to him, he had already passed.”

Emily’s uncle was divorced and living alone in Kerikeri. With her mother, aunt (his first wife) and cousin, she drove north from Auckland to his home.

“It was the eeriest feeling walking into his house, as he had literally walked out one morning and never came home.”

However, Emily and her cousin soon discovered that sorting out his funeral arrangements wasn’t going to be easy.

“We couldn’t find anything, we had to sort through all his papers, which were all over the place, and then when we managed to locate his lawyer and speak to him, we discovered he had made a new Will but hadn’t signed it. As my cousin and aunt couldn’t access any of his funds, they had to carry the costs of the funeral.”
Fortunately, Emily’s uncle had expressed his wish to her mother that he wanted to be buried in their home town, but his daughter and ex-wife had to make all decisions and arrangements for the funeral.

Later, her cousins had to spend months sorting out his finances and disposing of his assets and estate.

“He was generally an organised person. I don’t understand why he didn’t leave better instructions and arrangements, especially after his first heart attack,” Emily says. “It was a real blind spot with him.”

It’s an experience many families face each year, when a loved one dies without a will, (intestate).

If the person has no real estate or their assets do not exceed more than $15,000 from each institution (such as savings, shares, Kiwisaver), their estate is considered a small estate and can be managed and distributed by their next of kin. 

If the person has more than $15,000 worth of assets or owns property, then formal administration of the estate is required by law and certain processes must be followed for managing and distributing the person’s estate. 

It doesn’t take much to reach this threshold, especially if they have, for example, Kiwsaver and a car. If the assets are over this threshold, then whomever is appointed as administrator needs to file an application to the High Court. 

However, this requires considerable work beforehand, such as proving that there is no Will, and that all beneficiaries agree with the appointment. As you can see, dying intestate leaves a lot of complications behind for friends and family. According to the Public Trust, winding up an intestate estate can take from six to 24 months.

Even when a Will exists but is outdated or poorly drafted (for instance, no executor named, or ambiguous provisions), it could need costly litigation or legal work to sort things out. If no family member is willing and able to administer an intestate estate, a public or trustee agency will do so for a fee (up to five per cent of the estate value in NZ).

According to Public Trust, about half of all New Zealanders do not have a Will, and research by Public Trust found that 1-in-5 over 55s say the reason they haven’t got a Will is that they find the process emotionally hard. As a result, many people avoid talking about their plans.

It’s also estimated that just 38 per cent of 65 to 74-year-olds have an Enduring Power of Attorney (EPA), which allows someone to make decisions and care for them when needed. 

We mostly manage to organise house insurance and pay our bills, so why do so many of us struggle with end of life planning? In fact, research has shown that globally people are woefully poor at engaging in end of life discussions, even when facing terminal illness, often leaving them too late.

A 2020 German research study found that most people want to die in an environment where their preferences are known. However emotional stress, confusion, and family dynamics often get in the way of having open conversations about end-of-life decisions. This includes things like attempts to protect loved ones from emotional upset and psychological burdens, wanting to maintain hope and optimism, and trying to remain the strong parent or partner.

Although research is limited in this area, the study found one way to overcome this was to actively engage people in end-of-life discussion rather than passively providing information, and working to ease death anxiety and increase acceptance.

Overall, the researchers found that the earlier we engage in end-of-life discussions, the better, and it should be a process we address and readdress across our life span.

More information: Von Blanckenburg, P., Leppin, N., Nagelschmidt, K., Seifart, C., & Rief, W. (2021). Matters of life and death: an experimental study investigating psychological interventions to encourage the readiness for end-of-life conversations. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 90(4), 243-254.

*Name changed for privacy reasons