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When a baby arrives home, life for their mother is never quite the same again.
While it is a joyful and exciting time, it can also be overwhelming and exhausting. This is particularly the case if mothers don’t have the support of an extended family.
For more than a century, new mothers in Aotearoa have had the Plunket service to help them
navigate the early weeks and months of motherhood, but what about mothers in other countries?
Mahurangi Matters asked four local women, who were born in other countries – Kiribati, Argentina, Norway and the Netherlands – to tell us something about child raising in their country of birth. We thank them for taking the time to share these memories with us …
Nadia Costa
I grew up in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and I have a younger brother. I migrated to NZ in 2011, originally for a one-year OE but I fell in love with the country and decided to make NZ my home. I now have a five-year-old son whose name is Zahir.
My mother was a stay-at-home mum for most of my childhood. Back then, mums were the heart of the home – busy with everything from planning meals to helping with homework and so much more. Not too different from now, except now most mums work outside the home as well.
My mum taught me many things, but budgeting skills were top of the list. She also taught me kindness and patience, although the latter is a skill I am yet to truly master. She taught me that everyone deserves a chance, and that no-one knows better what’s best for you and your family than yourself. On a more practical note, my Mum taught me to make stews, colourful popcorn and iron shirts.
I am the confident, driven, compassionate woman I am today because she led by example. I had the courage to venture to the other side of the world because I knew she would always be my haven to go back to if things didn’t work out.
Her best advice was to always follow my dreams.
My parenting is highly influenced by my mother’s tenderness and care.
I admire my mother for her strength and drive. I am so honoured to be her daughter.
Anna Scott
I grew up on the outskirts of Oslo in Norway, where we had a big garden with lots of fruit trees, and there were lots of other kids to play with in the street. I was the oldest of three; with a younger brother and a younger sister.
I met and married a Kiwi shearer who was working in Norway, and after six years he wanted to go home as his own mother was unwell, so we moved here in 1994. We have four children who were all born in Norway. The youngest was only three months old when we came to New Zealand.
What was your mother’s role in the family?
My mother was a stay-at-home mother, so she was basically responsible for all housework. She never enjoyed housework that much, but she wanted to bring up her kids herself, not sending us to childcare, which was the norm in those days. When my youngest sister started school my mother went to university to become a teacher.
How was child raising/motherhood different in Norway?
When I grew up it was getting more common for women to work outside the home, and today it would be very hard to find a Norwegian mother who doesn’t work outside the home. In Norway today you get a year of maternity leave (which is shared between the parents) but after that most kids will be going to childcare while the parents are working full time. Today, it is the norm that both parents share everything that needs to be done at home, including caring for the children.
How has your mother shaped the way you have raised your children?
To a great degree. The values she tried to give us are the same that I have been trying to give my own kids. But I have been giving my kids a bit more freedom than I got myself. My mother was quite strict, especially with me being the oldest. She used to tell me I had to be a good example for my younger siblings, which I hated. I made sure I never said that to my oldest!
What skills did you learn from your mother?
We all had to take part in the weekly house cleaning, and when my mother started her studies, we also learned some basic cooking. But what I most appreciate of what she taught me was to trust God and ask for His guidance in every situation. My mother has a very strong and down-to-earth faith which I am very grateful that she managed to pass on to us children. She also taught me to love books. She read a lot for us, and she actually taught me to read when I was four years old. From then on, I have always had a book on the go!
What was the best advice your mother gave you?
To marry a man that you have enough in common with so that you still have things to talk about after 50 years together! And for the parents never to disagree about “home rules” in front of the children.
I am very grateful for the upbringing I had. I had a mother who saw it as her most important role in life to care for and teach her children, and she has been my number one role model in bringing up my own children. Thank you Mother, I love you!
Marja Lubeck
I was born in Tiel, in the Netherlands, the eldest of four children and I arrived in New Zealand in 1989, aged 24. My desire to come here was fuelled by my curiosity about life on the other side of the world, a country with the reputation of being clean, green and nuclear free. In my teens, I had a poster on my wall that said: “I don’t know what I’m seeking, and I don’t expect to find anything definite. The important thing for me is to keep moving”. I have one son Max, who is 21.
What was your mother’s role in the family?
She was a fulltime housewife and mother.
How was child raising/motherhood different in your country of birth?
Growing up in the seventies and eighties, the traditional family structure was still most common with the mother home fulltime to do the housework and childcare, while the father worked a paid job. As kids we biked to school and came home to eat lunch. The family would always sit down together at the table for dinner. At birthdays we would start the day standing on a chair with everyone singing happy birthday. Balloons and decorations would be put up all through the house. December was wintertime so we didn’t have Christmas at the beach, but would play outside in the snow. We didn’t have presents for Christmas but celebrated on December 5 when Sinterklaas arrived on his white horse, dropping presents through the chimney. Both my parents had known tough times during World War II which would have played a significant part in their growing up. They knew hunger. We always felt loved, safe and well cared for, perhaps my parents made extra efforts to ensure our childhood was more carefree than theirs had been.
What skills did you learn from your mother?
My mother was always there for us. When we came home for lunch, she would have the sandwiches on the table. She would always cook a nutritious dinner, making sure we ate healthy. We never had to help out with cooking or dishes; I remember my mum telling me she wanted her children to be able to be kids, to have time to play, do their homework. My mum had to leave school at 15 (despite being super smart) to get a job and help the family make a living as times after the war were tough. She wanted us to be able to do what she wasn’t able to. I learned unconditional love from my mum. The importance of being a family, to be thoughtful and care for others, and the difference you can make with kindness.
What was the best advice your mother gave you?
Don’t smoke and only drink red wine. I’m joking. My mum taught me to believe in myself no matter what anybody else said. Because of what I learned from her, I know life isn’t a competition, it’s a journey. To be the best you can be.
How has your mother shaped the way you have been a mother?
I wanted my son to grow up feeling loved, safe and carefree. Knowing that he had a safe home with parents who would do anything to make sure he was happy. To grow into a caring, compassionate person who thinks of others, respects their feelings and wants to make a positive difference. The importance of family time, and family traditions, creating memories to last a lifetime.
My mum started out as my mother but ended up being my friend. She is a beautiful, caring person and I love spending time with her. I see so much of her in me and it makes me proud.
Karibwe Tekanene
I grew up in a small island called Washington Island/Teeraina. It is a coral atoll in the central Pacific Ocean, part of the northern line islands, which belong to Kiribati. There are six of us in the family – five girls and one brother – and I am the oldest. I moved to NZ to join my ex-fiancé in 2016. I have two beautiful girls – Sophia is six years old and Grace is four years old. They are the centre of my world and I love being their mother.
What was your mother’s role in the family?
My mother did a lot for me and my siblings. She cooked yummy food, created a clean home, provided clean clothing and she would always make sure that me and my siblings felt supported and loved. She was the rock of our family.
How was child raising/motherhood different in Kiribati?
Motherhood in Kiribati is very different compared to New Zealand. It definitely not easy but it is very simple. After a woman gives birth, she is not allowed to expose herself to heat or go out under the sun as it will affect her breast milk
Where I grew up, there was no bed time for kids but children were expected to be quiet and always respect their elders. There was no such thing as sleep training because mothers and children shared the same bed. It would be very unusual for a baby to be sleeping alone.
What skills did you learn from your mother?
My mom is a good cook and a good dancer so I was lucky enough to have her dancing skills.
What was the best advice your mother gave you?
It is never too late to go after what you want in life.
How has your mother shaped the way you have raised your children?
I have truly realised just how much my mother has shaped me into who I am today. She made many sacrifices. She showed true selflessness and courage, and always encouraged me to be who I wanted to be. She would always go above and beyond to make me, my siblings and everyone around her feel special. My mom had a really big influence on how I raised my children. Even though I don’t have her anymore, as she passed away 10 years ago, I treasure the wisdom she shared with me and I cherish the memories we had together. Now that I’m a mom, I have learned that motherhood is hard and it can be messy, but the important thing is that I show up for my children, no matter what. And this is a trait that I got from my mom and I’m always grateful to her for that. I know how lucky I was to have been raised by a loving, caring and strong mom.
If you are a mama/parent and you are going through a tough time don’t be afraid to ask for help and support from all those around you. It is okay to ask for help. I just want to wish all the mothers out there the happiest Mother’s Day and “whatever you are up to this coming Mother’s Day, I hope it’s a good one”.
