New Coastie – Huzzah! Inflation is Conquered

Hurray! Hurrah! Yippee! Yee haw! The official cash rate (OCR) was cut by 50 points. Hazzah! Hazzah!

On the ninth day of October in the year of our lord 2024, his royal majestic eminence, the lord high governor of our nation’s Reserve Bank, declared victory over our most mortal enemy, inflation. This cruel barbaric nemesis had rendered the nation so low that we were contemplating the apocalypse when the price of a block of 1kg cheese hit the $20 mark. That was just a month ago. Our ancient ancestors rolled in their graves on hearing this news. They had never imagined the $20 price tag when they accidently discovered cheese, through sheer laziness, by leaving the milk stored too long in a sheep’s skin about 10,000 years ago.

But fear not, my fellow loyal subjects of the huggable King Charles, our great Reserve Bank is not that reserved. The Governor has unsheathed his most feared weapon and defeated inflation. King Arthur had Excalibur and Frodo had Sting, but none had the power to slash the price of a block of cheese. Adrian Orr has the magical OCR. Nobody knows how the OCR works like nobody knows how Gandalf’s staff works. That secret knowledge is protected by the guild of financial magi and economic fortune tellers. The OCR is as rigid as the katana and as enchanted as Harry Potter’s wand.  It can solve everything. I threatened my blocked toilet with the OCR and it instantly flowed. What other evidence do you need? 

Orr’s message to the block of cheese is to buckle up, the days of being expensive are over. You are conquered.

 It is not just cheese. Home loan rates are going to take a dive as well. The trifecta of the government’s elegantly modest tax cuts, a little less exorbitant mortgage payments, and the cheap cheese, will usher us to an era of prosperity akin to the heyday of the British Empire.

Yes, New Zealand will be the dominion of the glorious old empire again. Although it will be the modern version. The signs speak for themselves. Suppression of indigenous language in government departments, undermining of indigenous treaties, suppression of indigenous self-determination; how ‘Empire’ can one get in this day and age?

I know that thousands of public service jobs are lost. There are more job losses predicted by the nation’s financial magi. The economic fortune tellers also see house prices increasing in the lines of our palms. Many children will remain poor, and many families will remain homeless. I wonder if the OCR can fix that as well? But do we need to fix these other problems? This is the cost we must all pay for the privilege to bite into a cheap block of cheese and empire. It is only through cheap cheese and extremely unaffordable housing that we will get landowning noble and merchant class and a land renting peasant class. Come on! That is tasty, delicious, scrumptious empire – Don’t we all want that?