New Coastie – Make it mum’s choice

Growing up in Pakistan, my first memories are of being surrounded by the women of my family. 

Three generations of the family lived in the same house. As Dad is the eldest of his siblings, and I am his first offspring, I was given special attention from day one. I can confidently say that I had twelve “mothers” in addition to Mum. 

If we are going to determine what makes me who I am today, it is mostly Mum. Dad is my north star but today is about Mum, so Dad, you will have to take the backseat today. For the first 10 years of my life, Dad was in the UK trying to create a future for us. We only got to see him during summer holidays which was always a treat. 

Mum had to create an environment which provided us a solid base of morality. Living under my grandfather’s rule without my Dad being there was a difficult time for Mum. She held her own – she never staged a protest but got her way through constant negotiations and compromise. This “negotiated rebel” is the most prominent trait that I have from Mum. To be the person I am right now has been a constant struggle to go outside the traditional norms. However, there was never a shouting match, a storming off, or a slamming of the door because, as I learned from my Mum, a calm collected korero with patience might take some time, but in the end, through persistence, I will be able to take the path I want in life. 

Of course being a child of the 1950s from Pakistan, Mum is still very traditional. Her dream was for me to marry a girl of her choosing through arranged marriage. She used to send me pictures of girls on the phone from Pakistan. It was like a family Tinder service where, when you decline someone, your screen flashes. Why? Her biggest fear was that I might marry a ‘white’ girl. My Mum is the sweetest casual racist person I know. 

I was lucky. I fell in love with a Pakistani Kiwi woman which was only half good because she was still not of my Mum’s choosing. So I flew my parents to New Zealand before the pandemic, having moved my girlfriend out of my apartment into a crappy Air BnB because any idea sex before marriage is a total no-go in Islam. They could never know we were living together. 

I took Mum and Dad to my would-be wife’s parents house in Dunedin to create an illusion that it was my Mum’s choice. In the end my Mum approved. She knew that I had already made my choice, but was appreciative  that I did not just push my decision and made an effort to include Mum in the process. So even though my girlfriend and I knew that we would be married, the official proposal was not by me on one knee – it was during a family dinner when my Mum suddenly put a ring on my girlfriend’s finger and the dream was realised. Another example of the negotiated rebellion that I learnt from Mum.