That’s Life – Watercare and oysters

Imagine a grand theatre of incompetence, set on the shores of Mahurangi Harbour, where Auckland’s infrastructure titan, Watercare, performs day-after-day, burying oyster farmers in sewage while proclaiming, “We’ve got this sorted.” It’s the kind of performance only big corporates can produce – slick on paper, disastrous in reality.

Enter the unsuspecting oyster farmer – knee-deep in slurry, waist-deep in despair, performing sterilisation rituals on shellfish while clutching a refusal notice. Watercare’s pipes overflow yet again, contaminating their oysters and forcing closures for up to 28 days after every spill. It’s a rinse-and-repeat cycle so redundant it makes daytime TV look cutting edge.

Because when it comes to big infrastructure companies like Watercare, “working with” actually means “doing over”. It’s a bit like being mugged and then thanked for your patience while the mugger fills out a customer satisfaction survey.

Let’s be clear. Watercare doesn’t dislike small businesses or ordinary residents. They simply don’t register them or really care. To Watercare, the ‘public’ is a quaint concept from a bygone era, like milkmen or democracy. Their preferred model of engagement is the Notice of Works, slid into your letterbox two days after they’ve started digging outside your house.

Mahurangi Oysters’ Jim Aitken says he and his crew have been “cleaning up their mess … working in human waste,” while not receiving any support. Another local voice, Tom Walters of Matakana Oysters, laments “they let the area grow out of control before the infrastructure was in place.” Growth killed more than oysters; it killed livelihoods.

But Watercare has answers. Their chief exec Jamie Sinclair assures us a “temporary over-pumping solution” arriving this month will slash overflows by 50 per cent, with a full fix coming … in 2026, or perhaps 2028, depending on which brochure you’re reading. Translation: “Trust us. Next year, maybe the year after – no, really, the year after that.”

And what about support for the oyster farmers? None. Zero. Nada. In fact, Minister for Oceans and Fisheries Shane Jones accuses Watercare of “failing in their statutory duty of care” and driving small oyster enterprises “to penury”.

This is quintessential corporate doublespeak wielding “community consultation” like a pretend microphone, while muting the farmers entirely. “We value your feedback.” Yeah right!

Corporate communication’s teams are masters of the dark arts, they’ll tell you “community input is vital,” even while they file your submission under junk mail. Ask them a straight question and you’ll receive a reply so drenched in jargon it requires Google Translate.

You see, these companies don’t lie. They simply bend the truth into such complex origami it’s legally indistinguishable from fiction. They speak in polished euphemisms, like diplomats at a hostage negotiation. “Project optimisation” means cost-cutting. “Unforeseen delays” means we stuffed up.

“We’re listening” means where’s the mute button.

So, next time you receive a cheery letter from Watercare about “improving services for future generations,” remember this, it’s not a friendly update, it’s your final warning.