A final place to rest

When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his own epitaph, Requiem, he knew where he wanted to lie – on Mount Vaea, overlooking his Samoan home. For many people, however, their final resting place is a decision often left to family, or even strangers, to make.

We spend a considerable part of our lives deciding where we want to live, but considerably less time thinking about where we would like our final resting place to be.

For some, the answer is straightforward – alongside a husband or wife, in a family grave, or in a cemetery with a longstanding connection. Others may prefer cremation, with their ashes buried, kept with family members or scattered somewhere meaningful.

Whatever the choice, one of the most important things we can do is make sure somebody else knows about it.

Auckland Memorial Park cemetery manager James Dunn says more people are now prepared to talk about death and make plans in advance, although some generations remain reluctant.

“The older generation tend to be worse, especially the men, who tend to have their head in the sand around that side of things,” he says.

Under the wide and starry sky,
Dig the grave and let me lie.
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And I laid me down with a will.

Most plot sales at the privately managed Silverdale cemetery are now to people planning ahead, particularly those who want a traditional burial.

“If you are considering a body burial, having a plot takes a lot of stress away at the time,” Dunn says. “It can be a stressful and confronting decision for families in the moment, whereas if they have a plot, it’s all sorted and the family knows what is going to happen.”

For Hibiscus Coast residents, Auckland Memorial Park on East Coast Road offers traditional burial plots, family arrangements and ash interments, with plots able to be purchased in advance.

Further south, Auckland Council’s North Shore Memorial Park at Schnapper Rock offers new and existing burial plots, ash plots, an ash scattering area, crematorium and chapel facilities. Smaller historic cemeteries also exist around the wider Rodney area, although availability varies.

Dunn says burial generally follows a fairly familiar pattern. After the funeral service, family and friends gather at the prepared gravesite, where a celebrant or minister may conduct a committal ceremony.

Ash interments can be much less formal, but he recommends creating some form of ceremony around them.

“Otherwise you are standing there with a box, put it in the ground and no-one knows what to do with themselves,” he says. “Having a ceremony gives the occasion a lot more meaning and purpose.”

Cremation can give families more time to decide. Ashes may be interred in a cemetery, placed in a memorial setting or, in many circumstances, scattered somewhere meaningful, although rules and cultural considerations apply.

Auckland Council requires permission before ashes are scattered within council cemeteries and does not allow scattering in regional parks. On private property, permission should be obtained from the landowner. Council also advises that scattering ashes in waterways, on maunga or in places where food is gathered or cultivated may be culturally inappropriate to Māori.

Burial outside recognised cemeteries, burial grounds and urupā is also tightly restricted under New Zealand law, so anyone dreaming of being buried beneath a favourite tree at home should investigate the legal requirements before including that request in their final plans.

Funeral and burial wishes can be written down, included in a will and, most importantly, discussed with family. However, those wishes are not necessarily legally binding. Once someone dies, an enduring power of attorney ceases, and responsibility generally passes to the executor of the will.

That makes communication particularly important.

“It’s so the family who are going to have to deal with it have a clear understanding of what the wishes of the person are, and then they are able to carry those out,” Dunn says.

For him, Dying Matters Week (September 7-13) helps remove some of the uncertainty around death.

“The amount of people who come here who have never directly experienced this before, they have no real idea,” he says.

Planning a final resting place does not need to be morbid. It is simply another part of planning ahead – and one conversation now can remove a difficult decision from the people we leave behind.