Homebuilders – Dads and absent children

It can be very painful for men when they no longer get to be in their child’s life in the way that they anticipated. Child custody arrangements can result in feelings of powerlessness and grief that show up in responses like withdrawal from relationships or destructive behaviours.

The challenge for men in this situation is to maintain their integrity and not have their actions cause more pain and grief. This can be achieved by not engaging in power and control, where children get stuck in the middle. If you are having trouble with your anger, you may wish to contact Abuse Prevention Services which runs a men’s programme.

Seeking professional support to work through these hard times can seem difficult for guys with our culture of ‘toughen up’. However, it shows integrity, maturity, bravery and care. At times our friends and family’s support can keep us stuck in cycles of blame and anger.

The goal is to have a great co-parenting relationship with your kids’ mother, or at least cause no more harm to your mutual children. This is achieved through having very clear boundaries, focusing on the bigger picture rather than nitpicking, and seeking peace over winning.

When you see your kids, they don’t want to be burdened with your pain and grief. It makes them feel responsible for adult issues over which they have no control. If you’re feeling stressed, anxious or depressed, talk to your GP. Your children do not want to hear your poor opinion of their mum; they have the right to love you both. So only speak positively about her. Do not ask your kids questions about the other household as this makes them feel stressed and that they have to choose sides.

Dads can create meaningful relationships through play and fun. Joy with our children releases the hormone responsible for attachment. Firm but gentle hugs can be helpful if your child wants them. Just hang out. They need your presence not your presents. You are enough. Homebuilders offers free parenting courses that are all about building great relationships with your kids and all dads are welcome.

If your children have lived through any family violence, you may need support to gain tools to repair the harm. It can also help you understand any challenging behaviours your child might be expressing due to their trauma.

Self-care is important when you are distressed; get professional support, hang out with positive friends, get exercise and engage in activities that lift your spirits. Learning to accept the situation and make the best of it is going to be more beneficial than staying in anger and resentment. Rebuilding trust and respectful cooperation with the mother of your children will make your kids feel safe.

Useful phone numbers: Abuse Prevention Services 09 425 8130 or 022 152 4186. Homebuilders Family Services 09 425 7048.

Liz Cole, Homebuilders family support worker
www.homebuildersfs.org