Homebuilders – Relationship research

People often seek help from Homebuilders for relationship issues, which are very common and can cause much stress and emotional pain. Maybe you and your partner are struggling with a particular relationship problem, or you want to increase your understanding of each other and of the dynamic that plays out between you. Or you may be questioning if you want to stay in the relationship.

However, not everyone is comfortable talking face to face, or even via video call, which our Family Practitioners can also offer. And while one person might be keen to try couples’ counselling, it’s often the last thing their partner wants to do!

So sometimes the best first step can be to do some reading and research at home, and there are some very helpful resources available. You can always seek assistance later, from Homebuilders or from private relationship counsellors/therapists. (Please note, that while Homebuilders’ range of services is currently unchanged, we are reassessing what we can offer next year due to major government funding cuts).

Here are a few ideas for books that might be helpful, outlining three of the best-known approaches to relationship counselling, all of which are available from Auckland Libraries.

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Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson (EFT – Emotionally Focused Therapy)

EFT is based on ‘attachment science’ and early relationship patterns with parents and main caregivers.

EFT sees being in a relationship as our most basic need that has a huge impact on our happiness. EFT interprets the negative, rigid and recurring interaction patterns that often characterise unhappy couple relationships in terms of emotional disconnection and insecure attachment.

Watch an interview with Sue Johnson here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCRy9NVPWwo

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Getting the Love You Want – by Harville Hendrix (Imago Relationship Therapy)

Imago suggests that we unconsciously choose our partners in order to heal childhood wounds.

Therefore, we seek a partner who has many of the characteristics of a parent or caregivers. One key Imago technique is the ‘couples dialogue’ to improve communication. This is a structured way of talking to each other that is intended to provide safety and encourage each to share what is going on for them.

An interview with the founders of Imago can be found at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1ZooTmIq64

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman & Nan Silver (Gottman Method)

This approach, known as The Sound Relationship House, comprises seven key aspects: love maps (essentially, knowing your partner); sharing fondness and admiration; turning towards each other instead of away; taking a positive perspective; managing conflict; working towards joint life dreams; and creating shared meaning. They also identify the four most damaging behaviours in intimate relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Here is a link to an interview with the authors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r9bfEIOc5E

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Good luck with your research, and please get in touch if you’d like support.

Info: Homebuilders’ Family Practitioners: 0800 100 037 http://www.homebuildersfs.org