Homebuilders – Noticing children

By Liz Cole (Family Support Worker)

A lot of our interactions with children are centred on monitoring them – guiding, protecting, correcting, reminding, and lecturing. “While many of these interactions are important and keep children safe and sound, they rarely contribute to a child’s self esteem and gladness to be alive” (Childplayworks Ltd.).

There is a useful website called handinhandparenting.org that has articles and resources to promote parenting through connection. The idea being that children have big feelings that play a deeply useful role in their lives and when children are parented in a way that acknowledges these feelings, provides love, gives limits when necessary, and provides them with connection, children thrive and parenting becomes more enjoyable.

We have an idea that conversation with children requires questions, as a means to engage them. However there are alternatives ways of talking to children such as noticing and listening which increase children’s self esteem and build relationship. Noticing involves simply reflecting what the child is doing. Firstly reflecting their actions ‘you decided to play with that one’, ‘you know about giraffes’ ‘you worked really hard on that drawing’. It doesn’t involve your opinion. Noticing a feeling is also important, ‘you are really cross about that’, ‘you look really disappointed’, ‘you are really enjoying that’. These ways of noticing give children a wonderful experience of being seen, and if they feel seen they are less likely to need to act out to be seen.

Most adults can remember the childhood feeling of not being understood . . . ‘It’s not fair, no one understands me’. For a child, knowing they are understood by a parent/carer builds relationship and the sense of connection that is at the heart of all good relationships. Being heard is what makes this occur for children. Sometimes as adults we struggle to listen well because we are concerned that we are agreeing to something we disagree with and we want to educate our children. As such, it is important to understand that the goal of good listening is to understand what the child is trying to say to us, not to secure agreement.

The process of good listening involves letting the child know we have heard and understood them. This can be done through paraphrasing what they have said. It also involves allowing the child to have their uncomfortable feelings as this gives a message that you believe they can manage. ‘Some children are not letting you play and you feel angry and a little sad about that. You really want to play with them’. Listening is not about solving problems, it is about really hearing.

Life is a conversation. Make it a good one.