Homebuilders – Parenting against hate

Unfortunately, as humanity has progressed it has been unable to move away from the consequences of the fear of ‘others’ and the fear of ‘difference’. In Aotearoa/New Zealand this has been highlighted by the devastating attacks against the Muslim community in Christchurch. This was a hate crime, an attack on ‘others’. It started conversations about the way many groups of people are marginalised and feel unsafe based on their religion, their race, their sexuality, their gender and so on.

Many of us were deeply impacted by this tragic and violent event. So what we can do as parents to support and educate our children towards a more peaceful and fair world? Firstly, we can notice our own prejudices and our privileges. Usually if you see someone as ‘other’ you are in the majority group of privileged. We can point out power imbalances when we encounter them. If you are with your child and you overhear someone putting another person down for their race, then say something to your child about how this is unjust. Encourage a valuing of diversity and that differences make for a rich and interesting world.

We can parent against gender bias. Educate yourself about the impacts of patriarchy (where men hold more positions of power and wealth) and of toxic masculinity (which is harmful to men and society). Encourage both empathy and strength in your boys and in your girls. If we are in a household with two or more adults, we can share roles and responsibilities and value all of them. Our actions speak louder than our words.
Kind clear boundaries create feelings of security in children and help alleviate anxiety.

Boundaries also create respect in the relationship between us and our children. Respect lays the foundation for consent. Both boys and girls need to understand what consent means to keep themselves safe. We want our teens to understand consent in relation to sexual experiences, but we can start teaching consent at birth when we respond to our baby’s needs and wants.

To create empathetic people, we need to parent our children with empathy rather than punishment. Punishment leads to resentment and feeling powerless, while empathy leads to connection and acceptance. Empathy promotes love and peace.

There is a difference between equality (where the assumption is that everyone benefits from the same treatment), equity (where everyone gets the support they need) and justice (where the causes of inequity are addressed). Parenting against hate is hopefully you doing your bit to contribute towards justice.

All of these conversations and ways of looking at the world are best woven into everyday life and role modelled in our actions. Children are not hateful by nature; they are loving and open, programmed for connection. Children are mirrors of us, they act how we act.

This is an invitation to be more loving and accepting of people being different from you and creating a world where these attacks on ‘others’ are not okay – whether on a mass scale like in Christchurch or on an individual scale where somebody in our community feels unsafe just because of who they are.

Liz Cole, Homebuilders family support worker
www.homebuildersfs.org