Homebuilders – Parenting through a separation

By Quentin Jukes

Separating from a relationship is an incredibly stressful time both for the adults and any children involved. While your relationship may be changing with your partner, you will still both be parents into the future. It is important to find positive ways to organise the parenting and care of your children following separation as this will help them to feel safe and understand how the new situation will work for them.

An excellent first step is to attend a Parenting Through Separation course. This short course offers loads of practical advice and can save you and your children a lot of unnecessary heartache (information about when and where courses run is available on 0800 224 733 xtn 3).

There are also excellent written resources available to assist parents to find their way through what is often an emotional and stressful time. The Ministry of Justice has a great range of leaflets available on its website (justice.govt.nz/family-justice) which are extremely helpful. The workbook called Making a Parenting Plan and the Putting Your Children First booklet are both particularly useful.

Developing a clear written parenting plan can help you and your ex-partner to be clear about what you want the parenting arrangements for your child/children to be. A parenting plan which covers topics such as when and where the children spend time with each parent, which schools they go to, what holiday arrangements are, how you will handle change-overs between parents, etc. can avoid confusion and reduce the chance of unnecessary conflict. Having clarity around these issues also helps your children not feel they need to worry about what is happening when.

It is common for both parents to feel upset at the end of a relationship. It really helps if you don’t discuss the parenting plan or parenting arrangements or blame or put down your ex-partner in front of your children. Your children love you both and it is extremely important that they don’t feel pressured into taking sides. You can help reassure your children by repeatedly telling them it isn’t their fault you are separating and that you both still love them.

If you would like more information or support in dealing with a separation, you are welcome to call us at Homebuilders on 425 7048 for free, confidential support and advice.