Homebuilders – Soothing connections

We all have a brain that is structured in such a way that requires it to be soothed in order to fully function. Sometimes we need support to feel soothed – a kind friend, a loving family member, a friendly face in the street. These gentle loving interactions unconsciously make us feel safe and connected. Going out into nature and getting grounded is another way to connect, breathe and trust, and therefore soothe your brain.

As a parent or caregiver, it is necessary to get this soothing for ourselves so that we may in turn help our children’s brains to calm and be ready for the world. Children need adults to help them regain their equilibrium when they go off track. In fact, their off-track behaviour is more often than not the child requiring connection. Of course, they don’t know that consciously. The child feels out of sorts when they perceive they are not in connection. They have a high need for connection because it directly relates to their survival. As their parent or caregiver you might see ‘silly’ behaviour, ‘clingy’ behaviour or ‘naughty’ behaviour. What the child is expressing is their anxiety about not being connected. Every parent or caregiver knows that there are times when their children usually act out. Like when the adult is on the phone (a call, a text, social media), or when you have another adult friend over for a cuppa, or when you are talking to the shop assistant. The common denominator here is that your attention is away from the child and it makes them unconsciously uncomfortable and they desperately don’t want to feel like this. In today’s world we tend to have very high and unrealistic expectations of children.

We often expect them to manage their feelings independently. In desperation we send them into the isolation of time out.

The key is the more you meet their need, and help them soothe their brain through connection, the less off-track behaviour will occur. The younger the child, the greater the need for connection. But, remember, everyone needs connection, even your teenager, your partner and you. If you take the time to pause your activity (phone call or conversation, and so on) and turn your full attention to your child – give eye contact, turn your heart towards them, get down to their level, hear for a moment what they have to say and genuinely acknowledge their need, then your child is more likely to cope with you continuing your activity. Those actions will have helped soothe their sense of being out of connection.

This does not mean you let your children dominate what you do. Clear, kind boundaries are helpful for children. It does mean that you compassionately understand their very real need for connection and to feel soothed. It also means that your relationship with your child will be strong and respectful.

Liz Cole, Homebuilders family support worker
www.homebuildersfs.org